Dear Grey Goose vodka;
It has come to my attention, during many incidents over the course of several years, that your wonderful product is determined to kill me. I am not referring to the ubiquitous hangover that so many of my clients have endured as a result of partaking in your fine product, but rather something more sinister.
Certainly we are all aware of the internal damage that can be attributed to years of enjoyment of Grey Goose vodka; I will not dwell on such trivial matters here. I am of course referring to the razor-sharp, serrated, metal enclosures that your company currently uses to seal the product contained within your fashionably-slender frosted bottle.
After opening the first three layers of my hand while opening a bottle of Grey Goose vodka recently, I have decided to appeal to your fine company on behalf of bartenders everywhere. For the nineteenth time this year, I was relegated to bartending with my left hand last Friday night, as my right hand (I am currently right-handed) spent close to an hour in the bivouac of my pants pocket, bleeding my precious life’s blood into a bed of cocktail napkins.
In economical terms, losing the ability to use my right hand meant that I had 50% of my ability to pour your fine product for my customers. Furthermore, my reluctance to recommend your fine product for personal safety concerns resulted in even lower sales. Of your fine product.
While the occasional home user may understand my frustration, it is professional bartenders, with their wet, shriveled, and therefore vulnerable hands that are most susceptible to losing a pint of plasma every eighteen drinks as a result of your product. And if I am not mistaken, Grey Goose, it is placement in bars that helps drive your sales in the home market.
So, please, Grey Goose, if you value your market share – and the manual dexterity of bartenders everywhere – please work to develop a less violent enclosure for your product. Your consideration in this matter is appreciated by myself and my colleagues.