Someone sent their drink back tonight.
Scott and I put a lot of care into our cocktails: we use all fresh ingredients, we measure absolutely everything, and we’re passionate about every drink we put out. We’re proud of the fact that our drinks rarely get sent back, so when one of our servers came back to the bar with a half-consumed margarita, we were naturally concerned.
“And he wanted to know what took you so long”, she said, “He asked if you were growing the tequila yourself.”
We tasted the rejected drink, and it was perfect. And believe me, I’m harder on my drinks than most of the people drinking them. So what was this guy’s problem? And how do you grow tequila?
“Who sent this back?”, I asked.
“Jared from Subway“, the server growled as she stormed off.
Oh, ha ha ha. We all play this game, it’s a fun way to relieve the tension at work. You know how it’s played: some dude that looks like Matlock is sitting on table 9. Lisa Bonet just walked in the side door. Check out Eddie Munster on 7. But this guy, this guy looked exactly like Jared from Subway! She’d really nailed him, and I couldn’t stop staring at the poor guy.
But then I realized she might not be kidding when I looked over and saw some prom kids posing for pictures with him. Wait a minute, I thought, why would these people want their picture taken with holy shit, Scott, that’s really Jared from Subway!
“I was wondering how long it would take you, do you ever pay attention to anyone?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Jared from Subway is really on 3?!”
“The one and only, boss.”
“What the hell is he doing in Eugene?”
“He’s probably here for the marathon tomorrow, like as a spokesman for Subway or something.”
“So, what, the guy eats fast food every day and this margarita doesn’t measure up to his strict standard of quality?”
“I guess not. He just switched to Corona.”
“Yuck. And what is he doing drinking margaritas anyway? I thought he was a health nut or something.”
“I dunno,” Scott said, “Maybe he walked here.”
16 Replies to “El Vaquero: Drink Fresh. Or, Don’t.”
For one simple reason: They mask the taste of the alcohol, so people can get themselves ambush drunk. Has nothing to do with quality.
I’d really like to know why Long Islands are so popular.
I think I remember the article saying something about assuming an ounce of liquor each, so they were probably starting out at 400-500 calories. I’d bet they put 4oz mixer in there, which would make for a huuuge Long Island, much stronger than any bartender I know would ever serve a customer.
Wait a minute, why are we debating Long Islands again? Yuck.
Crappy sour mix, from what I remember staring at the bottles at the liquor store, have about 200 calories (basically 50 g sugar) in a 4 oz. serving. That’s nasty.
Simple syrup, on the other hand, if my knowledge of Fancy Science and Basic Arithmetic aren’t failing me, contains 24 g of sugar per ounce (about 100 calories). It has more calories per ounce, but if there’s a drink that calls for 4 oz. of simple syrup, I’m not drinking it.
The liquor and cointreau would amount to around 200 calories I’d say, if you’re using a half ounce of each. The calories from lemon juice are negligible, and a splash of simple syrup and an ounce or two of coke isn’t exactly going to rack up the calories either…
Their margarita recipe sucks, too. They use four ounces of tequila and some crappy pre-made lime/sour mix.
That seems like a lot to me to. Does crappy sour mix really have that many calories?
That Forbes article is bogus. A Long Island Iced Tea at 780 calories? I don’t buy it.
I’ve waited on hundreds of celebritys (not that the Subway guy is a celebrity) and nobody has the right to act like an asshole.
Robert DeNiro was an absolute doll every time, though. 😉
What nerve. Jared isn’t THAT big of a celebrity to make those types of demands. And if he is such a health nut, he should know the calories in a margarita. I hope gains the weight back from that margarita you served him.
Good God this is hilarious! So does mean he didn’t get his “buy 10 get the 11th one for free” card punched?
The guy shows up for a marathon but claims he can merely walk for half an hour.
Hrmmm… I wonder if he ran it (looking up all results for someone named Jared) 🙂
Kathy, that sounds delicious!
People used to mistake me for Jared back when I had the same glasses AND the same haircut as him. It was quite embarrassing because, let’s face it, he looks kinda doofy.
I had no idea he was a douche! Maybe he just doesn’t know what a margarita that doesn’t contain premade sour mix tastes like.
Let me guess, he ordered a steak, well-done, formed into meatballs, covered with canned marinara sauce on a 12-inch Wonder bread loaf with melted processed cheese for dinner?
Wow, that’s hilarious. Thank you for confirming my long-held suspicions that Jared is a giant douche.
Says something about his tastebuds if he can scarf down Subway and Corona…